


(un)Official Marine Rules and Regulations

by hujwernoo



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Humor, Rules, because they need them, poor things, they don't know what they're getting into, well really more like guidelines, written for the newbies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 13:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11186415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hujwernoo/pseuds/hujwernoo
Summary: Really, with all the insanity happening on the Grand Line, it's a wonder the average Marine can keep their head above water. If only there were a collection of informal rules explaining all the unspoken truths about working the weirdest sea in the world...





	(un)Official Marine Rules and Regulations

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a time for when this is set, to be honest, but you'll probably want to be caught up to at least Dressrosa. No major spoilers, though.
> 
> I'm marking it as complete, but I may add more if inspiration strikes. Feel free to submit your own, I might use them!

1\. Garp is not to be given custody of any child under the age of fifteen.

a. Under any circumstances.

b. Ever.

c. No, not even if he claims ‘the fifth time’s the charm’.

d. This may prove difficult to carry out if the child is a legitimate blood relative. Do not give up. This is Rule 1 for a reason.

 

2\. Don’t even try figuring out why Aokiji is lazy enough to discard basic math skills yet bicycles around the ocean at a pace that is much slower and takes more effort than just taking a ship.

 

3\. Don’t ask Seaman Recruit Jango to take off his glasses. Just trust us on this.

 

4\. Underestimate Vice-Admiral Tsuru at your own risk.

a. Honestly, she’s a VICE-ADMIRAL. This should really be obvious.

 

5\. The locations of Impel Down, Marineford and Enies Lobby do form a triangle, this is true. However, the name of this triangle is not ‘The Holy Triangle of Justice’. Justice does not have a concrete shape, and if it did, it would not be something as pedestrian as a triangle. Get it right.

 

6\. Do not say, imply, think or otherwise indicate in any way that you think Sengoku is overweight. Even in his Buddha form.

a. ESPECIALLY in his Buddha form.

 

7\. If something strange, unbelievable, or impossible is happening, the answer is always ‘Devil Fruit’.

a. ‘Vegapunk’ is also an acceptable answer.

b. All other situations are covered by ‘We’re in the Grand Line’.

c. Occasionally, the answer is all three.

 

8\. Admiral Kizaru is not a good role model.

 

9\. Do not question why Vice-Admiral Dalmation coincidentally has the Dog-Dog Fruit, Model: Dalmation.

a. Likewise Smoker and his Smoke-Smoke Fruit.

 

10\. Never insult the chefs, the supply division, or your superior officers. All three have an equal amount of ability to make your life a living hell.

a. Especially follow this rule if you are related/married to anyone in these categories.

 

11\. Stop making bets on which of the Eleven Supernovas will piss off a Yonko first. It’s tacky and everyone already knows the answer, anyway.

 

12\. Do not provoke our giant recruits into honor duels with each other.

 

13\. Apparently, ‘swordsman’ is a gender-neutral term and calling a female sword-user ‘swordswoman’ is sexist. See Tashigi for more details.

 

14\. Yes, most of the highest-ranking Marines are Devil Fruit users. Yes, this means that they cannot swim. Yes, this means that if they fall into the water you are duty-bound to save their lives. No, this does not get you promoted.

 

15\. Trust in the Log Pose. If it points to the sky, it is a Sky Island. If it points to under the sea, it is an Undersea Island. If it points to a whale, it is an Island Whale.

 

16\. Fishmen are friends, not food.

 

17\. Fishing for Sea Kings is something only Vice-Admirals or higher are badass enough to do. Do not attempt to do so if you are of a lower rank.

 

18\. Smoker is a smoke Logia and as such cannot get lung cancer from all the cigars he smokes. Please remember this before you embarrass yourself outlining the potential consequences if he doesn’t quit.

 

19\. While this IS the Grand Line, and consequently we cannot rule out literally anything from potentially happening, claiming we need to have ‘Anti-Psychic Squid Drills’ on a bimonthly basis is pushing it.

a. So is requesting a parachute to come standard in every recruit’s basic camp kit.

b. So is starting a food fight and saying it’s preparation for fighting Big Mom’s forces. We are not going to pick a fight with an Emperor, idiots.

 

20\. For last month’s Coffeemaker Incident, please see Rule 7, subsection C.

 

21\. You cannot call into work dead. We have confirmation on the identity of the user of the Revive-Revive Fruit, and it isn’t you.

 

22\. Never ask Garp how his grandson(s) are doing. Possible things you may lose if you do include your time, hearing, sanity and will to live.

a. Don’t ask about his son, either, or there will be a rant about how the guy should stop gallivanting around and get a job. Guy’s apparently a bum.

 

23\. Never, even jokingly, ask Sengoku how HIS grandson(s) are doing. You will be busted down to Seaman Recruit faster than you can blink. There is apparently a story there, and even if everyone is dying to know we still have basic survival instincts.

 

24\. Unless your comment is of vital tactical importance, do not use sarcasm during a briefing. If you can manage it, deliver the vitally tactically important comment without the sarcasm.

 

25\. You are not allowed to hunt down your Marine Recruitment Officer and demand recompense for ‘promising awesome adventures but leaving out the inhuman training from hell’. The inhuman training from hell is so you don’t die on those ‘awesome adventures’ you were looking forward to.

a. We do offer condolences if you are assigned under Garp, however.

 

26\. After the Firefist Incident at Base 3, it’s been decided that we should make an effort to actually look at the faces on the bounty posters we put out.

 

27\. In the case of hurricanes, tsunamis, typhoons or snowstorms, change the weather indicator sign by the door from ‘Mild’ to ‘Moderate’, along with the card for the appropriate phenomenon happening at the moment.

 

28\. Salsa is not to be used that way.

a.You know what we mean.

 

29\. Aokiji has requested that he not be regarded as a role model, since it would be ‘too much work’.

 

30.Just nod along when Commodore Brannew recaps things you already know. It’s essentially his job.

 

31\. Don’t point out that John Giant’s parents must have been very uncreative. He knows.

 

32\. If you happen to corner a member of the Revolutionary Army, try to figure out their identity before you close in. If it is a high-ranking member, call for backup. If it is the Chief of Staff and/or his partner, call for _all_ the backup. If it is Dragon himself, you are permitted to run away screaming.

 

33\. Sengoku has a pet goat. We do not know why. We do not need to know why. Just join the betting pool and go with it.

 

34\. Dragons are extinct. Please remember this. The only Dragon in the world is the one running the Revolutionary Army.

a. If you do happen to come across a real dragon, please see Rule 7.

 

35\. Those who have been a victim of Trafalgar Law’s Ope-Ope Fruit are entitled to a one-week recovery period. It’s generally assumed that if you haven’t recovered all of your body parts by then, you’re shit outta luck.

 

36\. It is in poor taste to tell Vice-Admiral Vergo “Hey, what’s your sign? Oh, wait!” The man’s heard it enough.

 

37\. Do not mention Monkey D. Luffy to Smoker. Their relationship is….complicated.

 

38\. Attempting to apply logic to the Grand Line is doomed to failure. Stop trying.

 

39\. Don’t bother trying to find someone with a good opinion of Donquixote Doflamingo. Everybody hates him.

 

40\. The higher ranked a person is, the more ass they can kick. Gender, age, appearance and temperament are all entirely irrelevant to this fact. Remember it.

 

41.Treat the Den-Den Mushis with respect. We don’t want another uprising.

 

42\. If you are captured by pirates, official policy is to give no information and escape at the first opportunity. Unofficially, it really depends on what kind of information you give up. Your grandmother’s butterscotch pudding recipe probably doesn’t contain any confidential information (unless your grandmother was really hardcore), and some pirates may even accept it as an answer.

a. It is recommended to only resort to this if your grandmother is already deceased, since they can get really protective of their butterscotch pudding recipes.

 

43\. Do not refer to yourself in the third-person unless you are recorded as having a legitimate verbal tic that makes you do so. This list consists entirely of Rear Admiral Hina.

 

44\. Seaman Recruits Fullbody and Jango regularly dance together. This is not a euphemism and should not be treated as such, even if they ARE suspiciously close.

 

45\. Bartholomew Kuma is not to be referred to as a Terminator.

 

46\. Absolutely do NOT antagonize any of the Warlords. Jinbe is the only decent one among them.

a. Dracule Mihawk and Bartholomew Kuma are somewhat borderline.

b. Avoid all the others at any cost.

 

47\. In the case of Garp, Rule 7 does not actually apply. Reasons for this are unknown.

 

48\. Many pirates have a particular idiosyncrasy. Unless you know you can beat them, do not mock, destroy and/or take away the focus of this idiosyncrasy. It’s usually fairly easy to determine, since for some reason their crew name, outfit, flag and/or appearance will be modeled after it.

a. Note the word usage here. Unless you utterly, absolutely, positively KNOW you can beat the pirate, FOLLOW THIS RULE.

 

49\. The above rule also goes for many high-ranking Marines.

 

50\. Of course it can get crazier. See Rule 7, subsection B.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave reviews. Reviews are love.


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